A part of preperation

The current unit my class of second graders are studying is titled, "Sharing the Planet: Ecosystems are fragile and require care to maintain balance". I never knew I would learn this the hard way, even though I understood it's meaning I just had to experience it. Life is fragile, but sometimes no matter what you do or how much care you put into life, we are taken down another road. Perhaps it is to learn a lesson, gain new perspectives and connect with others, be a better person or just prepare ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually to start again so next time we will be a bit closer to perfect. I feel that is how my miscarriage has enveloped me today. I am pulled in all these directions, thinking this will help me, will prepare me and be a fresh new start for some unknown reason. Now maybe my body is awake and aware of what it can and shouldn't do. Now I can empathize better with others and relate to their words and perhaps provide a bit of comfort.
The physcial pain was difficult; it always is for someone who fears it. I had such high hopes, mostly because I didn't want to create stress and harm myself. I was shocked after the results and the pain seemed to just disappear because there was so much more to think about. So I have chosen to read  a book that was written in total solitude amidst God's nature. Walden or Life in the Woods by Henry David Thoreau speaks of a peaceful life at Ralph Waldo Emerson's pond where the author submerses himself in the "abundance of life and health" and raising self-awareness through all of man's senses. I have heard delightful, spiritual and brillant opinions about this book and am ready to submerge myself.

Heidi

What a beautiful name for such an innocent and curious girl willing to give care and love to those around her. Heidi, written by Johanna Spyri reminds me of a little Shirley Temple with black hair and eyes, gleaming with numerous inquiries instead of tap dances of precision. Heidi’s youth also reminds me of my childhood. I often ran a foot into the fields, inspecting rocks, bugs, weeds and wounded creatures. My callused feet would feel the occasional thorn or two, stopping only to remove them and be on my way again, freely bounding from the chicken coop to the horses barn wondering which animal I could take a hold of next between my little hands. What a wonderful life for a child to experience, roaming and learning in a big backyard. How grateful I am now for the small five acres I had then. Heidi had three mountains to explore. Even more surprising is that Heidi’s grandfather is so gentle and permissive of her free spirit, yet yielding to dangerous circumstances by frequently letting Heidi listen and see possible consequences. Today, the world is alarming full of dangerous predators, quite beyond what Mother Nature supplies. I understand why parents and grandparents must forbid a child many freedoms.

I think Heidi is a good name for my first child. Steven and I have thought of some possible names, most of which contain too many syllables, are full of harsh consonants, or remind us of other people that we try to not think about. I picked up the book Heidi this week because it is a classic that I have personally never read on my own. I have immediately fallen in love with it. It brings me memories, creates new ideas for raising my child, and makes me yearn for the old lifestyle of learning by doing.

Now everyone that knows me knows that I have one sister, whose name is Heidi.  I love her with all my heart. Perhaps she would be honored for me to name my child after her. Perhaps it would not be too confusing if I added a middle name for better identification purposes. Maybe Heidi Ann, or Heidi Lina, Heidi Karolina, Heidi Aileen, Allina, Eileen,… hmmm.

I have learned that the name Heidi is the short form of Adelaide, an old German name meaning “exalted nature”. This definition fits my situation perfectly since I have eagerly wanted a baby for so long, and have prayed and prepared by body to the best of what natural physical conditions I can portray. I had thought that previously, by nature or my own doing, I would not be permitted to conceive a child because the nature of my body had refused due to unknown damage or disfigurement.  Perhaps my own stress and depressing thoughts had indeed shut down my chances. It was only once I let go of the idea and notion that I had finally obtained it.

It is a sweet life

So I'm not sure how to react, but I'm crazy with joy. My fingers twitch and wiggle together like they are trying to start a fire with little sticks. I just can't believe it yet. I feel so normal, and yet so privileged that I can't contain the excitement, can't hide the good news, and can't reveal that my breasts are so tender it just stings Mother! Literally. I have a precious little tiny human somewhere inside me, and I wish I could stick my belly out to prove it. Part of me holds back my five weeks of growth for a more grand finale just around the corner, exposing beautiful results and lingering the attention span. I don't want to be selfish, but this is the best Mother's Day present one could receive after trying for years with no results. Truly, I am blessed.
Steven and I are preparing for new, larger living arrangements, cars with car seats, and fresh nutritious meals three to four times a day. He reminds me to eat my mango, drink disgusting grapefruit juice, take a yogurt or go-gurt to school along with a fresh green bell pepper. One the way to school he called frantically to let me know he forgot to wash the pepper. Love.
So I don't know when the pain starts, but everyone says it will come. I haven't had any morning sickness, headaches, or other Momma issues, but I'm not worried. It will all be worth it, should it arrive. Doc says only Tylenol from here on out. Might as well not take anything at all since my body is practically dependent on Excedrin and Bayer with triple doses of caffeine. No worries, I could use a good detox anyway and plenty of massages. Doc says I have to take a different drug for my sky high LDL numbers; something from category B. I am hoping my previous drug X didn't have a negative affect on the pregnancy. I quit it in March simply because I ran out and forgot to refill it on time. Another blessing.

This week I just finished rereading The Giver because I liked the memories it brought back in 8th grade. I remember loving the ending when Jonas takes the infant Gabriel to Elsewhere for safety. I kind of wish I was that clever and quick in my youth. I feared my peers and succumbed to my surroundings. I think I would have failed miserably being a free and independent character in that story. I'm definitely concerned with what is known to be right and wrong, and to do it. The "ah-ha!" that now arises to me is that people are not that smart after all, we don't have all the answers, and we must rely on instinct or our inner conscience, or the Spirit or Holy Ghost to guide us through this sweet and painful life. Rarely do we step back and try to see the whole picture, for it is difficult to do especially as our timeline is far from over. But to glance at what could be, to imagine the pleasant future filled with family, love and sincere emotion, that is a dream to look forward climbing to.