What's a Max good for?

Someone posed the question today, "What is this dog good for?" I immediately responded, "Good for nothin" a cliche my mind grabbed instantly knowing it had heard it too often. Honestly, my dog was good for numerous acts. Back in the day, the English Mastiff breed is popular for guarding kings and queens. They would idle around palaces consuming leftover feasts of pheasant, boar and goat. Their intimidating appearance is not as bad as their ferocious bark. A powerhouse of deep growls increasing with some turbulence and earthquake aftershocks, should you be standing directly in their path. Their giant jowls hide nasty yellow teeth, that actually resemble an American Alligator, but have more shape of a slight crescent moon. If you missed the jowls flapping violently at you, that is because they are engulfed in slimy white foam, a cousin of drool. Now my beautiful and fine, young Maximus is not the average Mastiff. He is the cute runt of the family, weighing only 175 lbs compared to 248. His skinny greyhound shape body and legs don't seem to match his massive cranium and head, but his soft, silky ears and enormous brown eyes make up for any flaws you might mock. My Maximus cuddles and warms your entire body, should you feel like spooning on a cold night. Perhaps your toes are chilled and you left your Ug Boots at the cabin. Simply place your precious feet in between his giant hind legs and you will do him a favor as you cool him down. My Maximus protects me as I walk down dangerous streets of Lake Las Vegas and also as we walk in solace out in the desert together, avoiding rabbits and birds. He is most loyal as he always remains by my side, even when we play hide and seek he will never give up finding me. Basically, my Maximus is good for everything but preying upon, since his diet is made up of strictly smelly dog kernels with medicine as additives. He is warmth, love, loyalty, forgiveness, truly a best friend.